Transition

Happy Sunday everyone, and if you're in the UK right now we're transitioning from autumn into winter, I'm sat under a blanket with chilly fingers watching The Grinch.

Seasonal transitions take time. You don't wake up one day and think 'Oh summer's here' you just gradually notice a change until one day you fell pretty certain you're no longer in spring but in summer. You're not sure exactly when it happened but it most definitely did.

I've talked a fair amount around the psychological and mental journey I've been on through my personal transition but I haven't talked much about physical medical transition. What has it involved? What changes have I noticed? What's next? So that's what I'm going to talk about today!

I started socially transitioning towards the end of 2020, and here's a picture of my then. It's not fun to look at but it's important to remember how we began

Initially I changed to non-binary pronouns and started changing how I dressed. It was following an assessment at my gender clinic that they asked challenging questions about my identity and recommended therapy. I clearly had more work to do on what I wanted and my validity as a trans person. It was not the right time for me to start medical transition then, but there were a couple of things I knew I needed to do. Firstly I knew I had to do something about my facial hair. it was one of the things that caused me the most distress, and irrespective of whether I would end up as non-binary or a trans woman I knew that had to go. So in May 2021 I started laser, you can read about that here. It is not a pleasant process, electrolysis is worse, but I cannot tell you how much that's been worth it!

Next I had to do something about my hair line, I had started going bald in my late teens, I was the only member in my family that happened to, and it had been a great cause of sadness to me, along with a feeling that transitioning would be impossible for me. So I arranged for a hair transplant in London in July 2021. I wasn't out at work at this point so I had to take it as annual leave but it was something that felt very necessary. So I trekked down to London and you can read about my experience here. Since then I have been for a second transplant since for my crown and honestly I couldn't be more delighted with how it's turned out. I adore my hair, I feel so lucky to have such wonderful curls that are fairly low maintenance.

Over the next 6 months I slowly came out at work and through therapy became comfortable with the fact that I am a trans woman, and towards the end of 2021 I was formally out to everyone and changed my name on the GMC register as of the start of January 2022.

I'd done pretty much everything I could socially for my transition and the laser and hair had helped considerably but I knew that I needed to go further. I still felt a disconnect when I looked in the mirror and I wanted to try and change that.

So in February 2022 I met with an endocrinologist and started hormone therapy. That involves a 3 monthly injection that blocks testosterone. Alongside that I take Oestrogen daily. What they don't tell you is that for proper breast development they can't fully replace your oestrogen for about a year. So you've blocked all your testosterone and only given you a tiny dose of oestrogen to replace it. That means that for about a year you're in a menopausal state. I'll be honest, that was tough: the emotional lability, the fatigue, the memory cloudiness, it was all hard and because I wasn't prepared for

it, it took me a long time to figure out what was going on. I still felt much less 'on edge' than I had before transitioning but I wish I'd appreciated what this first bit would be like. Also, because you're not getting a lot of oestrogen in that first year you don't notice massive changes over that first year. There were definitely some but it feels like this last 6 months has seen many more.

In that first year I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin, my skin softened, there were some changes to my face and body shape with some breast development but some of the more noticeable difference where in other things. I was cold ALL.THE.TIME. Having always been Beth's hot water bottle I am now colder than her. That's still taken some getting used to! My sense of smell changed. I was able to walk past flowers and could smell them much more intensely, whereas I'd previously have had to get right up to them I could smell things from a much greater distance. My own scent changed, this confused the cats for a time but they eventually got used to it again! Emotionally I felt much more range. Like switching from black and white to colour. It's difficult to know if that's because of therapy and healing or hormones but it's a change I noticed.

Something I've noticed that I can't explain physiologically is that my emotions are definitely cyclical, for a period around the same time each month I feel sad and like I want to burst in to tears and irritable, this will then pass the next day. Now I've spotted it as a pattern It's much easier to deal with.

18 months in I started taking progesterone as well. This is meant to help with reduced body hair, mood, energy and breast development. You have to wait 18 months because of the initial breast changes that need to happen beforehand or again they will develop abnormally.

Over these past 6 months I've really noticed a significant change, I'm not sure when it happened but the world mostly responds to me as a trans woman now. My brain finally recognises me as me and I can't tell you how good that feels. Here's a couple of pictures of me now. My face is dramatically different, and it's not just the hair. my body is completely different too. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.

So what's next? There's a few things I'm still working on such as voice therapy, that's hard and I'm not very good at it but I want to get better.

I went to Spain earlier this year for a consultation on facial feminisation surgery and I'm hoping to have that next year.

For anyone that follows me on social media you'll know we have a child on the way next year and I'd love to be able to connect with him like any other mother would and having spoken to my endocrinologist we think we're far enough down the line to attempt breastfeeding. That would be an amazing gift if that's successful and I'd love to be able to support Beth.

Beyond that I'm exploring some other things but they're a few years down the line as I need to save for a trip to the other side of the world.

For now though, I'm finally starting to see the real me, my brain recognises me more and more as I should be and for that I feel incredibly grateful and privileged.

As always feel free to ask any questions and I hope it's been interesting.

Ellie